Bloggage!

In honor of NFTM and the revived blogging activity over there at out brother blog, here is a fine example of how NFTM has penetrated the very fiber of our lives.

The scene: our living room, 5 minutes ago.

Piddy announces that he has a sweet tooth. He scours the kitchen, producing a package of dried mango. He shares with me. It is delicious.

Me: Damn, this is some good mango

Piddy, yelling in a British accent: I LIKE BREAST MILK BETTER THAN A MANGO! I'M ELEVEN AND I DRINK BREAST MILK AND IT'S BETTER THAN A MANGO!!

Followed by hysterical laughter and a near choking on dried mango.

Good Times.

quote

I opened one of my aunt Karen's books last night and a piece of paper fell out of it on which she had written -

Grief has changed me since you saw me last

and careful hours, with time's deformed hand

hath written strange defections

o'er my face

- Shakespeare

oh hey, it's a blizzard!

Don't see those around here too much.

Totally refreshing to come home to after 10 days of sun and blue skies and bodywork and awesome food and sun and fresh mountain air and soaking tubs and saunas and hikes and a little snow, complimented by all of that sun and blue skies.

I had an excellent time in santa fe, obviously. Skiing in Taos was very awesome, despite the fact that I did not have a proper coat or jacket or any ski goggles. Photos to come of me in my cotton puma jacket and sunglasses doing my best to brave the elements.

My cranial sacral teacher is awesome. He's Belgian and very funny and most excellent at what he does.

Anyway, I am in my bed now, after rescheduling my client this afternoon because we live in the arctic circle. I have 2 clients this evening that I think we can make happen but if one reschedules, I am rescheduling the other one.

I mainly want to blog about the young client I had last night, perhaps you all saw my fb status regarding her session which was great and quite entertaining. There was a LOT more said that I did not mention on there..

Her grandparents are regulars and they thought she would like massage so they paid for a half hour for her. She came with her grandma and initially was refusing the massage unless her grandma was in the room too, so I said thats fine, why don't you both go in and she can get on the table and then we'll see how she feels, so g-,ma got her on the table and then sat in the waiting area. I went in and asked her if she ever had a massage, told her what I thought I would do (her neck, shoulders, arms and back) asked her is she was ticklish and then asked her about school and stuff. She is seriously the chattiest person ever - she told me how she likes to massage peoples shoulders at school and asked me how I got a job at rivers edge. Told me all about her friend who steals stuff from her and the girl in her neighborhood who threatens her if she ever goes on that girls street. She asked me if I have a dad, I said yes, and she asked me if I wanted to know why she lives with her grandparents, i said sure, so she told me her short version of that undoubtedly long story (her words:)- her mom died in the bathtub, she had a seizure, hit her head and drowned. Her dad then had the 4 (i think) kids, and they were living in a truck in a really bad neighborhood, so her grandma took her dad to court and won. Her grandma told her dad that he could call or visit but he disappeared and they haven't seen him since. She said " I don't think they looked for him very hard". I asked her if she remembered her mom or if she was really little, she told me she was 2 and so she does not remember her moms voice, i said, yeah it is hard to remember stuff when from when you were 2 or 3. I told her that my mom died 3 years ago because she had a heart attack and she said " Oh! That is soooo sad!" I said yeah it is sad, and it was kind of weird because she was not sick or anything. She then told me how her mom died in the house that they live in and the bathroom is right by her room - I asked her how that was for her, was it weird and she said yes, sometimes she thinks she sees something in the bathroom but then it's gone and she has to pass the bathroom to go down the steps and she doesn't like that. She jumped from that topic to about 27 other topics, seamlessly - justin bieber, their cat and dog that died (she accused her uncle of killing them, he may very well have..), the cat and dog they have now, her 14 y/o brother who thinks that god is fake, the fact that she loves coffee (do you drink a lot of coffee?, I asked - no, i'm not allowed to anymore.. she had just mentioned how she is the shortest person in her grade despite being the oldest (when i saw her i thought she was 7 - seriously - she's almost 12) so I put in my 2 cents about how coffee will keep he from getting tall. I explained that i was going to have her flip over and was describing the face rest and how to use it, when she cut me off saying " oh, yeah yeah I saw that on Friends! I watch Friends". She asked abut my ear plugs and told me she wants to get her tongue pierced, and maybe her lip.

It was very cool to work on a kid, this kid is fairly unique, I would say. i have a new respect for her grandparents ( i never knew the story, just bits of it, and their other son, the uncle who lives with them, was banned from R.edge by my predecessor b/c they bought him a GC and he came in drunk and I guess he is just a slimy loser, based on that AND my other regular who is a neighbor who has an ongoing fued with them b/c the uncle vandalized her garage and something else (he is in his forties, this unlce..) west park dra- ma!

anyway, new respect for those 2 but I think they might be in a bit of trouble with this one... I certainly hope not, but she is a freaking fire cracker.

Switching gears completely, I just want to say that I am doing my best to read more rather than watching TV on instant netflix more (friday night lights, you guys, I'm in love with Tim Riggins and I keep googling pictures of Taylor Kitsch, who pays Riggins, which has made Perren, with his bad habit of using my laptop, very jealous, which is what you get for using my laptop).

Anyway I read Just Kids by Patti Smith, mainly because I did a paper on Robert Maplethorppe and censorship when I was a freshman in high school, excellent book. I think I am FINALY going to be able to finish body of work by christine montross, and can not wait to get harry potter #2 from the librbay, it is there waiting for me!

Vikki, I was thinking, couldn't you get books form the library and take a picture of each one as you finish, or, there must be some sort of virtual book shelf online... you could save some $.

Thats all for now, I just want to say, while there are few things worse than someone in your life turning christian, at least she has not also turned republican.

My nanny's gone christian

So, last fall, I found a neighbor who was interested in "nanny sharing" one day a week. It filled a need for us, of finding childcare for the days when I'm interning, and the family lives just 2 blocks from our house. Any hesitation I had in the beginning had to do with the other family, who seemed nice, but the mom is known as a bit of a whack-0, high-strung, disorganized, mean-to-the-help sort of woman. I know all this because a good friend of mine used to be her nanny.

But, we were in a bit of a bind, and this arrangement fit our needs perfectly. And I really liked the nanny. She's middle-aged, friendly and flowing, loving towards my son, caring, very likable. I got good vibes from her from the beginning.

Over the weeks and months, we bonded over our shared disdain for the "other mother" and tried not to gossip too much about the things going on in their house that we just didn't understand. She confided in me that she is lesbian, and has been with her partner for 25+ years, and how deep their love was for each other. I asked her advice about things relating to toddlers (she's been a nanny for 15 or so years). One day, about in December, she tells me that she and her partner have started attending the church that is within shouting distance of my house. Its known for its liberal views and is popular among the GLBT community, especially so because the pastor is openly gay. She told me, "I'm more of a spiritual person, but it feels nice to be part of a community."

I started to have some twinges of concern, but its not like I can shelter my child from religious people, they are all around. Some virulent strains have even infiltrated my extended family. So I know how to smile and nod and avoid comments when I don't feel like engaging in dead-end discussions about how fucked up organized religion is.

Then, about a month ago, the nanny requests to be my friend on our social networking site. Hmmm...I hesitated, but decided to accept her request. I was interested to see what she was posting, and come May, when my internship is finished, I probably won't be sending my son to her anymore, so at that time, I can always remove her from my list of friends.

So of course I checked out her page, and noticed A LOT of crazy christian postings about loving her new church, how awesome it was to be a new member, how she prays every day!, asking others to pray for her!, and so on. So, okay, she's gung ho religious now.

Our weekly interactions began to be peppered with her comments about loving church, my child being a gift from god, blah blah blah.

Then, today, I go to drop K off and WHAM! I'm accosted by the GIGANTIC cross hanging around her neck. Oh! Its Ash Wednesday, you say! Huh, somehow, I managed to completely block that from my personal calendar.

So I guess its now official: my nanny's gone christian. Its just so hard to find good help these days. I can only hope my cleaning lady doesn't turn on me next.

quick comeback

protestor outside of clinic to Silk on her way in this morning :" Today could be the day you accept Jesus, blah blah blah...(no response, just heading inside) ...You need a heart transplant, ma'am"

Silk: "You need a brain transplant, sir".

BOO-YA!

Is it, can it - could it be?

Could this be the end, the end of the bullshit? The end of the waiting? The end of being ignored and blown off by the state med. board of ohio? The end of paying them, hating them, wishing they would all die and fantasizing about driving down to stupid columbus and going completely fucking postal on their asses?

It APPEARS

to be over.

I received a letter from those bitches the other day.

The letter stated that my application has been reviewed. However, questions 23 and 24 were somehow not included in my application (! ?...really? no way!) So if I would please complete the enclosed copy of those questions and mail it back to them ASAP. Failure to respond ASAP will result in delays in the sending of my license as a result of passing the June 2010 exam. (Did you catch that part about my license?)

Let me tell you about those important questions that were omitted from my original (well, my third) application -

23. (paraphrased) Are you currently taking any controlled substance that may impair your ability to do massage therapy?

24. Are you currently taking any illegal controlled substances?

If yes to either, please explain.

I sat for a second and thought about different ways in which I might just fuck with them via my answers to these questions. Piddy, sitting across the table from me took a lengthy hit off his on hitter and exhaled it in my general direction. "Maybe I should tell them about your drug use", I mused, "Do you think they would like to keep tabs on that? They might..."

I promptly checked NO to both and addressed an envelope and stuffed it in there. Walked it down the street to the mailbox that night (our mail man can NOT be trusted to pick up outgoing, or do anything else, at all, for that matter. That is it's own whole post. INEPT, y'all...)

So here we are! My license is not in hand, but I understand that it exists! I am all done! Investigator J. Lewis decided I am legit enough to not bother criminally investigating or pursuing with fifth degree felony charges. Yipee.

Putting the form in the envelope, I muttered out loud about how I can't believe those fuckers, and then I called them the plural for the N-word, in a total Dr.J/ Louis CK moment - it's nothing to do with race, somehow the word just comes out - who knows!

I feel like this whole ordeal stemmed in part from my issues with authority - I have no respect for it, and pay it no mind - and while I nearly had to pay for that at least in some annoying way, I ultimately did not which is fucking sweet. Go me. Of course it stemmed in a much larger part from the S M board of Ohio being very, very fucking stupid. ANd thats got shit to do with me.

I would like to send a shout out to Jho and medUSA for having my back as clients. V, thanks for listening to this saga as it unfolded and always affirming that it was total bullshit and I just need to fucking move already. To my brother, thanks for the legal council, putting my mind at ease and offering to come to Cleveland to have my back.

I still would LOVE to sue them, but don't think I have any grounds. In fact I am sure I don't. Whatever. I also want to write a letter to those fools advocating that they make some serious changes to a number of their policies, especially those that impact people who choose to go to school out of state, but I don't know.. don't know if I will be doing that.

ANyway, thats that.

ALso, I worked out today for the first time in about 8 weeks, so thats good. I am making chicken soup right now, had the day off but went to do a massage on the east side and got Tommy's carry out. Can't beat that shit! ALso I am finaly reading Harry Potter and it is great.

Peace out -

Updates, Haps, Etc.

Inspired by Silk, here are the recent happenings from Mabel Court.

I'm slowly but surely getting my resume out and about with the goal of finding an adjunct teaching position...time to put that Master's degree to some use, eh?

I'm also in the process of applying for my state of Ohio counseling license, and if Silk's experience with the state boards is any indication, I don't anticipate it being an easy or efficient process. I think they just harass us in an effort to get us to keep throwing money at them until they finally relent and give us our license.

Young master Kai has added some nice words to his repetoire, including thank you, more, mine, and what's this? Very exciting. Unfortunately, he's also come down with his 10th cold of this winter season (not an exaggeration, folks...I wish it were), so despite the sub-zero temps in Cleve today, we are going out to target and the bin to stock up on supplies and avoid cabin fever.

We're also picking up something special today...I had a natal chart of Kai done and its ready! I'm excited to see what it says...

We successfully installed the Wii Fit, so now the pressure is really on to get in some workouts...

Well, that is about it. Kai is napping and I've got some work to do for my psychopathology class. Silk, Medusa: its time for a new lexulous game.

Silk, Piddy: its time for another sequence night.

Everyone: Peace and I hear birds chirping, spring must be near!!!!!!

se me olvido

thats I forgot in spanish.

I forgot to mention the point of my previous post, which is that I really don't like how days off from work turn into full days of running around, house stuff, etc. This seriously seems to happen to me every Sunday and Monday, altho Sundays are occasionally a do absolutely nothing day. I also occasionally manage to fit in fun stuff - case in point dinner last night at Alaturka - really good! (new Turkish spot on the west 2 5).

I also forgot to mention that I found myself Friday night watching tv and tuning into Barbara Walters' special on heart disease, in particular open heart surgery to avoid impending massive heart attacks. I was not particularly taken with this special, I felt the advice offered was 100% useless to someone like myself with no health insurance (yes, yes I'm working on it) and a hella low income. The advice given was essentially - get your ass in to NY Presbyterian hospital (this is like where ALL rich people go!) and have lots o' tests done and if surgery is indicated they will crack your chest no problemo and get you back in effect.

Barbara Wawa, Letterman , Robin Williams, Charlie Rose and Bill CLinton all members of the cracked chest club (their words) talked about their experiences. It was interesting enough to hear about, refreshing to know that folks survive that on the reg. but really, where is the information for people who are not loaded celebrities? and , frankly, doctors know what they know and it is not that much. One of them had passed a stress test, several of them had no symptoms or easily ignored the minor ones they did. I don't know. I watched it hoping to get something out of it and didn't (my bad, i know, it's a b w special..) I was also fairly incensed by Tim Russert's son saying point blank to the camera - "there is absolutley no reason for someone to die suddenly of an unexpected heart attack this day in age" - REALLY? HMMmmmm...

Maybe there is absolutely no reason for anything, jr., but it all still happens.

on time

Well, here we are - 2011. While I've transitioned pretty seamlessly, not missing a beat when writing the date. etc. it is still kind of strange to stop and think about. That's time for you.

Shit I have got to do today:

* IMMENSE amount of laundry, in the works

* take the IMMENSE amount of recycling and drop it off, Oh to live in a place that actually cares about it and picks up recycling..

* do something with Rufus before he kills us all due to lack of exercise/activity

* get these hand me downs over to Mabel Ct.

* finish calculating how much I made last year for tax purposes

* grocery store, if only for a few basics

* treadmill, jones - treadmill

Tomorrow includes seeing my therapist, seeing my chiropractor, WW meeting, stopping in my bank to figure out the best way to avoid being charged $15 per month to have a business checking account - really? No. and a friends birthday get together, and getting ready for work on Tuesday.

Things I have done thus far today:

* eaten oatmeal, drank small double mocha

*surfed the nets, read up on JD Samson who I ALWAYS thought was a dude, wonders never cease

*Lexulous

* got some shit together to try to get some health insurance (grudgingly, but people like my dad keep harping on it, and then I get concerned about what if I DO get cancer in the near future - )

* laundry, random light cleaning

*shower -way overdue - I'm sorry but it's so true I have been too lazy/ work days have been too long and sleep has won out, so good thing today is Sunday

* watched a few minutes of the puppy bowl on animal planet - so want one. but not now.

I have also of late caught a few episodes on the A P of Confessions: animal hoarding, and all I can say is YIKES yikes yikes. I guess it is like any other of those shows - train fucking wreck - the people harding cats are particularly tragic and I gather smell like nothing else on this earth, except perhaps a vat of pure amonia. Tragic. Thank god for animal planet, helping where it counts.

I should go take this recycling and carry on, Rufus is losing it.

Medusa, did you know that you alone rock the dreads amongst our CLE posse now? That's right. Perren done transformed on us.

More later kids.

Caption Contest #2

Caption Contest

how about an extensive rant?

****NOTICE : this was going to be an easy like Sunday morning post, then I started typing about "the house" and my related frustrations, so it is totally NOT an east like Sunday morning post.*************

I don't know. I mean, I'm glad we have not thrown in the towel. I hope we never do. Jho, you could take pics of Kai, I could take pics of Rufus and we could do caption contests. I love talking for Rufus, or more specifically when Perren does, hours of laughs for me. Of course that is probably couple humor that would not translate well.

Here is what I've got to share on this Sunday:

I've decided to start going to weight watchers meetings. I get the sense that it works better than anything else out there. I have to decide whether to go to the once a week meetings downtown or out in rocky river. I just want to lose 20 lbs - that's not a lot. It's not 50 or 100 or 200 lbs. Kevin, the wise personal trainer told me that fitness/weight loss is 80% food, 20% exercise and left to my own devices all I am capable of doing is THINKING about losing those 20 lbs. and how great I will look and feel, as I proceed to eat whatever I want and way too much of it. So we will see how the watchers works with that. I'll keep you posted. Often, when examining my body shape in the mirror or reflective glass of my shower, I am amazed that this is what it has come to look like and I haven't had a baby. What if I had one - what then - I mean jesus christ. I don't expect understanding here, you people don't see me naked. And clothes - CLOTHES have become such a fucking issue - flattering clothes that is. And it's annoying. That is all for now.

I'm going to clean house today, which reminds me that as far as blogging and blogging regularly, all I can think of to post about on the reg. would be stories from P-term and abortion related information and issues that this christ forsaken house that will never, ever be finished in the true sense of the word allowing for a comfortable home that can accommodate guests. and I just don't feel right about taking to the world wide webs with stories of other women's business from work or rage fueled rants about why in the fuck this house is not done (***..yeah I typed this and I thought it true too but the I just kept typing, therapeutic blogging, I guess...***) and why so many things that have been done have been done half assed (not by my bf/lp (thats life partner, and is an inside joke)) but by a certain toddling someone, the workings of whose mind have got to be one of the great mysteries of our time. I've been accused of not being patient, which makes me laugh. But it also makes me not express my frustrations, if that is how they are going to be perceived. I'm not a princess, I don't have expectations as to how or where I need to live to be comfortable. I am pretty flexible, actually. It's just that - who would think it would be a good idea to move 2 huge hairy dogs into an incredibly modern house, every square inch of which is wide fucking open to collect hair dust dirt, etc. - and a yard? no, no yard - the empty lot next to the house needs to remain separate so that a house can eventually be built there - when will that happen who knows, no plan, who will finance that - ditto - but don't bother fencing it in for your huge depressed dogs b/c that fence will have to come out when a house it built there. mmmkay. Who needs closets, shelves, towel racks, coat racks or any type of storage area in a home for 2 adults and two said dogs? TOWEL RACKS, people - 2 bathrooms, 2 showers not a one TOWEL RACK or hook or NAIL in the wall on which to hang a towel. Why don't I just buy a towel rack? Because, I bought 4 portable closets, a central air conditioning unit, a king size bed, a dyson vaccuum, an industrial mop and bucket, a shower curtain and tension rod for the shower with NO WALLS that spews water everywhere and so on, that when I think about buying a towel rack or replacing/fixing the front door under which rain water flows freely or buying another portable closet to put inside of said door for coats, etc. or putting a wood floor down in the basement or fixing the faucet handle on the basement shower, the only usable shower, so that you don't have to stand outside of the water stream for 5 minutes applying the exact amount of tension to the handle in order to turn it to adjust the temp. which goes from freezing to scalding in .008 of an inch, I just can't bring myself to go ahead and do these things and pay for these things because this house was not my idea. I live in it, and I pay half of the mortgage loan which isn't technically that b/c we don't have an occupancy permit - isn't that hilarious!? Yeah we've live here for 8 months now - anyway - I'm happy to pay that and half of the bills and all. My frustrations don't come from the lack of things happening quickly - shit with houses can take forever, i get that, but the way I see our situation is that if I don't financially take care of things, who will? How is P going to budget any one of these things as far as his income? It's not possible. His parents took out a loan that finished the major construction - the tile floors, wood floor, counter tops, kitchen, bathrooms, stair case and then before finishing the basement, the landings, replacing the huge window with a BB gun hole in it, putting actual steps up to the door or out of the back sliding door, the toddling one takes the remaining money to put into a house down the street that is going to land him IN JAIL if he doesn't do something with the exterior/ interior of it as it has sat empty for probably a decade. So you see, my frustrations are that I don't see any of these little things or big things happening ever, there is no plan, just a never ending half way there. I'm sure it is partly because I am virgo, and I want to button things up a certain way and have money in the bank to do so and so it's really hard not to. Really, really hard for the virgo. Also, need I remind anyone who knows me at all that we may all die today, or tomorrow, or next Tuesday? I am patient, I have extensive patience but I am also realistic and pessimistic and really not comfortable with wasting time.

My point is that I bought hooks for towels at home depot like 3 months ago, but they aren't hung up. So towels are used and then slung over the clothes drying rack upstairs, often one damp towel upon another which is just. not. effective.

That is basically my point.

I mentioned to P a few weeks ago some of how I felt, and about money and projects, and he reinforced that I need not spend my money to finish up this house, I shouldn't, sit on that money and so on. So I am, but that does nothing for my being so frustrated. if I said fuck it and did sink money in to this house, a big part of me feels like that says I am down to live in this for ever or for a long time which I am definitely not. My dream house is somewhere else out there, not here on the corner of 28th and Chatham next to an aerospace machinery factory.

Any advice or thoughts? Should I be looking at the bright side of living in this really cool house? Would you be frustrated? If so, what would you do about it?

A new look? Something? Anything?

I feel bad that our blog has not been updated for awhile. Do we need a new look? How can we get blog-a-licious back to where we started from?

In an effort to jump start things, here are some random musings from my day.

***

I did something today I truly did not think I would ever do. I put my 14 month old on a waiting list, a freaking waiting list, for a pre-school. WTF, I said to myself, as I filled out the form. And I am parent #32 to do this! And there are 6 people on the waiting list for the year after! These people have just had babies, and yet, they have the presence of mind (or lack of perspective) to seek out the waiting list for a local preschool. And, really, this is not an elite institution. Hmmm.

***

My husband just said to me, and I quote, "Dude, I think the Confederacy is going to come back". We just finished watching Jeopardy!, and since it was the college edition, we were feeling pretty smart by getting most of the answers right. Well, right after the end of Jeopardy!, the Country Music Awards started, and we watched the opening sequence. S was a bit horrified to learn that one of the more popular groups of the night are called "Lady Antebellum". Guess this means we will not be moving south anytime soon.

***

My favorite local newspaper columnist just wrote today that she quit her job at the PD and has opened a new clothing boutique in a local neighborhood. She's following her dreams, and I must say, as corny as it sounds, I'm starting to feel a little inspired myself.

***

Random Question: Should I purchase an iPad?

***

Well, that's all I have. Since Modern Family is pre-empted by the CMA's, I'm heading to bed.

Goodnight, blogging world.

Yes, Finally, Part Three

Yes, I am that lazy. That's the question you were asking, right? I mean, its been a month since I last posted and I've no good excuse for not finishing. As one reader put it, its like I'm stuck in

the middle of labor!! I must finish!

8:00 a.m. Enter new mid-wife, Rachel. Overnight midwife Leslie doesn't even say goodbye. Hmm. Anyway, in retrospect, Rachel was the BEST person that could have ever been my midwife for the deliver of K, so it all worked out. She comes in, all bright eyed and actually excited about me having a baby. She's the only one in the room to be so happy. Husband looks unsure, unsettled, and tired. I don't know what to expect. She doesn't want to check me, because everyone is sure that I can't have progressed to much, blah blah blah. I let her know that I've been having contractions consistently, though thanks to the epidural, I am feeling no pain. Okay, she says, let's see how it looks.

And I about die when she tells me, "Wow! You are 10 cm! You are READY TO PUSH. NOW."

I look at her and reply, completely matter of factly: "No, I'm not."

"Oh, but you are! You are ready to PUSH!! Soooo exciting!" as she puts on her gown and motions for the nurse to come over and start setting things up.

"Um....wait a second," I stammer. "I'm really not ready for this! I think I need a little time."

"Okay, well, let's go! How do you want to start?"

So, with a frantic call into my mom from S to say, "I really hope you get here soon!", and then, it all begins. I push and push and push to no avail. "Let's take a break," says Rachel, and she bounces out of the room. At this point, in walks student nurse Katie, a young and very happy, perky, personable little creature. She comes over to me and tells me she is so very honored to be there because she has never seen a birth before! And she is so excited to share this moment with me! Apparently, before I got the epidural, I agreed to having a student nurse observe. Whatever, I think.

At some point, my mom and Silk join the room and its almost like a party! Around 10:00 I start pushing in earnest again, and I've got, like, every person in the room helping to hold a leg or an arm, or whatnot. I'm yelling with effort, and I believe I describe it like "trying to push a cruise ship out". I get frustrated that everyone can see the head, but they can't just reach in and pull him out. At some point, I notice a young jewish man, wearing one of those jewish hats, standing there watching, apparently he was an EMT student. Awesome.

I'm getting to the point where I think that this baby is just not going to come out and they are going to have to somehow get him out for me. Rachel looks me in the eye. "Listen up, Jess," she says. "You can do this. You and me, we are gonna get this baby out. He is ready to come out. You are ready to push him out. I need 2 good pushes and you'll be holding him. Are you ready?!" "NO!!!!!!!!!" I scream and with that, I push and push and then OH MY FUCKING GOD, there is baby K. And he is perfect. And everyone in the room is crying, even the jewish emt guy and my little student nurse Katie. Everyone is just overcome with emotion, it was an incredible moment.

The rest is just a blur. I will never forget the moment I first held him and realized that I had just actually, truly, really delivered a baby. My baby! It was an awesome, amazing moment. And that, my friends, is the loooooooooooooooong version of baby K's arrival into our world.

Recent Haps

Speaking of dreams, mine are out of control. This started when I started re reading SK's Bag of Bones, and I can't figure out if that is the reason or not. I'm thinking not because I am barely into the book and it is not very scary, though it does have that edge to it that most of his stories do. So maybe it is a factor. In a few of my dreams, death is the focus - not mine but people I know, and I guess the post death shock and grief process is more accurately the focus - maybe the book but certainly I have death on the mind, nothing new there. In one totally scary dream, I was chased through a house and into a bathroom where I slammed the door in the chasers face, and I fell back into a bathtub, and realized I had no pants on, and woke up.
I probably should have just kept that to myself, but there it is. In the final dream that I can remember, My front teeth had been knocked out and I was explaining this to Perren. I've heard that teeth dreams indicate money issues on the mind, which would be accurate.
Anyway, not at all what I am here to blog about. Here is some news from the new job : One of our Dr.s who I have not yet met b/c we are there on dif. days, woke up last weekend to approx. 40 protestors outside of his home in Cleve hts. He has 2 kids ages 4 and 6 who looked out the windows and thought there was a parade going on. I don't know how their parents explained it to them, but eventually the older one asked if Dad had done something wrong. Shittiest part of this experience for the doc was that when he called the po' to report the people, the po' responded with "yeah, we know they are there. we can't do anything about it" This has sparked all sorts of conversation and a lot of people seem sure that while there is a law in Cleve hts. against picketing there is an exception - literally a clause - when it comes to abortion. I find this hard to believe, and others were suggesting that the po' wont do anything about a residence being picketed if the picketers are on the sidewalk and tree lawn. EITHER WAY, I am sure that if 40 people gathered to protest something else, ANything else, the po' would have been all over it. This sucks, obviously, and b.c. the doctor was shaken and upset, people at work were concerned about losing him, recognizing that it would be totally reasonable for him to decide that it simply was not worth it, if his family is going to be fucked with like that. He has not indicated any such thing, but was upset as I am sure his wife was, and voiced is concerns about the fact that they walk their oldest to school in the morning. One of the nurses suggested a sprinkler system that soaks the tree lawn as the best way to avoid a repeat. He just couldn't believe that the po' did not give him a heads up to expect all that or to get his kids out of the house. This was part of the 40 days of protesting - pray to end abortion - and becasue we are half way through the 40 days (of nonsense, as my boss calls it) she went out in the middle of the day and purchase ice cream sundae fixings for the entire staff, it was amazing - anything you could think of to go on ice cream and LOTS of it. Ironically enough, I had just sat down with my huge salad for munch when the ice cream bar appeared. People started mocking me when I tried to focus on the salad so I said fuck it after about 5 bites and hooked my self up with the bomb sundae.
In more positive and exciting news from work, the marketing director asked me if I would be willing to be a model for an ad campaign they are getting ready to launch. My face will def. be on literature, possibly a couple of area buses and - if they get enough funding, maybe someday even a billboard. Fucking Fabulous. I can not remember exactly what the text says - something like My abortion, My decision, My story - lets start a conversation, something like that. The idea is not just a pro choice message but to encourage women to stop treating abortion like a super secret horrible deed that you never speak of once it's over. My first reaction when she asked me was that I've never had one, didn't want to be misrepresenting, but she said that is not what the text is saying and also that they were going to hire a model and that would be some random who would not necessarily have had one. So I said OK. I have long thought that this country is SORELY lacking in pro choice bill boards, - I've never even seen one and god knows how many pro life ones are plastered all over Ohio not to mention the South, - gag - so I will be super psyched if it gets to that level. May even finance it myself, I think Dr. J would like that. ANyway I will certainly show you all the final result post photo shoot which should be a riot. I don't know why, but I think it should be.
In other news I am going to buy a treadmill because I need a lot more exercise in my life and that has got to be the way to make it as easy and accessible as humanly possible. I mean, you can not have other people exercise for you, it just doesn't work that way.
I'm off to enjoy the lovely Fall Sunday
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Dreams

I had a very, very, vivid dream last night. It involved an ex-boyfriend of mine, one who I dated for several periods of time, interspersed with long periods of not seeing or talking to each other. We first met in high school, had our second go around in college, and had our third and fourth (and final) encounters in our 20s.

While overall the relationship was good, it ended very badly. Really, it was awful. There was your typical drama: a screaming phone call (which, ironically, was him screaming and not me--surprised, aren't you?), harsh words, things spoken that can not ever be taken back. It was one of the true confrontations I've had in my life (I avoid confrontation--at all costs--some day I'll tell you how I broke up with another long-term boyfriend, or rather, never seemed to break up with him...).

Anyway, about a month after this big blow out, I met the man who would become my husband, and life moved on. I've thought about the ex every now and then, and about the good things, but always remembering that truly ugly phone call. He even emailed me about a year after it happened, very close to my wedding date, and apologized for how things went, and said he hoped that life was treating me well, etc. I never replied.

So, it was a little unnerving to have this dream about him. We were both running, in opposite directions, down my old street, and when he saw me, he stopped and pointed, and somehow we ended up talking somewhere, for a very long time, about our relationship. It was so vivid, that when I woke up, it took awhile for me to realize that this had not actually happened.

I spent the next day in a state of I don't know what, but agitated/confused/conflicted were all part of it. I searched for him on-line (ok, seriously, what did I do before facebook and linkedin and google?), and found out quite a bit of information, and started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't email him and apologize for my own role in our harsh end. I feel bad about never responding to his email.

However, I don't think I will do this. One of the "rules of thumb" I use to gauge whether a behavior or action is acceptable is how I would feel if my spouse/friend/whomever would do it to me. And I feel uncomfortable enough with contacting an ex-boyfriend, and with the thought of my husband contacting an ex-girlfriend, to not send off an email.

But I'm curious what others think. Is it okay to be in touch with former significant others? Are there levels of contact that make some of it okay, some of it not? For me, part of what makes me feel so uncomfortable is that there was so much good in our relationship. This was a person that I did think about marrying, at some point, even though some important things of our relationship were not right. Can a person truly be friends with someone with whom they once shared a close, intimate relationship?

Part Two

My apologies for the format of Part One: for whatever reason I can't fix the spacing of the post, and even though I'm frustrated with it, not enough to figure out how to fix it. Oh well, here's Part Two!

So, after having my WTF revelation, which granted, when you are mere hours away from pushing out your child, seems a little late to be panicking, things went from pretty good (I mean, really, I'd had no contractions, so I was still kind of in denial about what was about to happen) to really bad. And fast.
So, when they gave me my pill of Cytotec, the nurse said, and I quote: "This is only your first dose. You will get a second dose in 6 hours, and 6 hours after that you will start pitocin. You will almost certainly need pitocin, because this pill has never helped anyone go into labor. I'm not even sure why they are giving it to you." Great. So, in my mind, it would be at least noon before I would even begin the actual work of labor, and maybe I could catch some sleep before then? My husband certainly thought this would be the case, and he promptly fell asleep on the little pull out couch next to my hospital bed. Because of the cytotec, I had to be hooked up to a heartrate monitor, so I was restricted to certain positions on the bed, which combined with my anxiety and racing mind, resulted in no sleep for me. Which allowed me to be perfectly certain of the exact time when I experienced the worst fucking pain of my life. At exactly 1:20 a.m., my entire body was wracked with pain, so strong that it caused me to scream and curl up on my side, making the heart monitor go crazy because it lost contact with whatever it was monitoring. Up jumps my husband, in rushes nurse, and casually sauntering in is Leslie, my midwife.
Nurse looks at me as if to say, "Um, I just gave you that f'ing pill 90 minutes ago, nothing should be happening now."
Husband looks at me as if to say, "Was it really necessary to wake me up with that banshee-like scream?"
Midwife looks at me as if to say, "I thought you were prepared for a natural childbirth?"
The next few hours are a complete blur, what I do remember are mere snatches. I remember Leslie rubbing my back and shoulders, telling me to simply breathe through the pain. I remember going into the bathroom, sitting on the floor and putting my head against the metal railing because I was so hot and it was so cold, and thinking to myself, this is undescribable and unbearable and I want to die right now. Part of what made it all so hard was that the contractions came one right after the other with about 30 seconds inbetween. Really. Apparently, cytotec has this effect on women. Making it a poor choice for inducing women who will probaby go into labor on their own if left alone. I do think I would have fallen into that category if given time, but I wasn't and I feel my midwife gave in to the doctor on call in pushing for an intervention...but that's a story for a different post.
Anyway, the contractions were coming, literally, nonstop, with no reprieve, not even enough time for me to breathe inbetween. The nurse looked kind of shocked, like she had never seen this reaction to this drug before, and I think this because she immediately became very nice and sympathetic towards me.
This continued until about 3:45 a.m. at which point the midwife decided to see how much I had dilated and the result -- a mere 3 c.m. Seriously, people, I almost lost my shit and killed my husband right then and there. Why him? Easy target and he was looking at me like, "What is up with all this drama? Didn't she think it would hurt?" As soon as Leslie said "three", I knew the gig was up. If I continued to progress at this slow rate, that would mean at least three more hours of these contractions, and I knew I just couldn't do it. I was already exhausted and pushing wasn't even on the horizon. I cried "epidural" louder than I've ever shouted I word before in my life.
Of course, because we had talked about this before, Leslie looks at me, and says, "No, no, you can do this! You don't need an epidural! You are strong!" and some other bullshit, I don't even remember what. Husband is looking at her like, "What the fuck is your problem, give her some meds or I'm going to" and the nurse, who by this point is my biggest fan and looks like she herself regrets giving me the stupid cytotec, just rubs my back and nods and says, "its okay, honey, its okay...whatever you want to do is okay." Consensus was, someone please do something to get this woman to stop screaming and start breathing. An epidural was thus ordered.
About 30 minutes later, in walks the resident who will administer this life saving drug. Those were a loooooong 30 minutes, my friends, a long 30 minutes. I mostly remember laying on my side, praying for something, anything to happen. So, here walks Ms. Suzy Sunshine to give me some relief. The best words out of her mouth? "I'm going to give you a little extra, because I think I went a little too left instead of dead center." Thank you! I'll take it! Instant, and I mean instant, relief was had. A huge sigh was heaved by all in the room, and probably the next room over too. At this point, everyone assumes I'll be getting some rest, as the room is vacated, lights are dimmed, husband is back asleep. Except...
The epidural gave me the shakes. REALLY BAD. My teeth were chattering. It was bad enough to keep me from sleeping, but of course, much better than the alternative, so nothing to do but lay in bed and let things take their course. Which is right where we'll pick up in Part Three!

Part One

So much to blog about...turning 31, how life has changed, etc. However, in anticipation of the biggest life changing event I've experienced so far, I decided to write about my son's birth. Not known for my brevity, it turns out I'm going to need several entries to get this all down. So far I've only finished Part One, which you can read below.

Saturday evening I attended my brother's wedding shower. Many of the women there commented on my big belly: "You're still so high!" they exclaimed, and insisted I had at least one week more of pregnancy. I was already a few days past my "due date" and was feeling rather ambivalent about it all; I knew my baby would arrive exactly when he wanted to.

The next day, at about noon, I felt something. I thought my water had broken, and upon further investigation, realized my mucus plug had passed. So, it begins, I thought, and told my husband. As I had no contractions, and knew from my extensive reading on the subject that the passage of the plug could happen anywhere from days to weeks ahead of time, I felt no rush or anxiety. We decided to check out a kite festival taking place, and it was there, three hours later, while walking around Edgewater Park, my water broke! "We better head home", I said to S, and I proceeded to lay in bed in anticipation of some contractions. When none started after a few hours, I called my midwife.

"Hmmm...", she started. "Well, if you haven't had any by 9:00 tonight, then come on in," she said, "and we'll figure out what to do."

Well, by 9:00, I had had only 3 contractions, none of them very strong. I thought to myself, "Wow, is this it? Maybe it will be just like those hippie mama's I read about in Ina Mae's book, where it just flows and flows..." Thankfully, I did not share this thought with my husband. I had planned on trying for a natural labor and delivery. I was terrified at the thought of having a c-section, and didn't want an epidural because I saw it as the gateway to other interventions, which I was against. I also wanted to be able to move around as much as possible during my labor, which an epidural does not allow for. As we drove to the hospital, I was feeling good, like, "I can do this! This isn't so bad! When will it really begin?" I distinctly remember everything about that drive, what we passed, how it was when we arrived at the hospital. It was all so surreal; this was really happening!

Upon arriving at UH, we were escorted to a lobby, since I obviously was not in distress or popping out a baby anytime soon, and as my midwife told me, when we arrived, "Its like a bus just came and dropped off every pregnant woman in labor at once." After about 30 minutes of waiting, we were taken into the triage area, where I was to be examined. This turned out to be the first of what would be several funny encounters with "students". UH is, after all, a teaching hospital, and I expected I'd have a student midwife. However, for my initial exam, my midwife brought in what had to be a first year, possibly even first week of first year, medical student, from some Arabic country, and instruct him to give me a pelvic exam to see how dilated I was. He couldn't even look me in the eye. I got great pleasure out of this, seeing as how I was still feeling fine.

Unfortunately, I was only 1 centimeter dilated. "Well........", said Leslie, my midwife. "Hmm. Um. Well, in general, we like for you to deliver within 24 hours of your water breaking, because of infection possibilities. So, um, I think we're going to have to give you some pitocin, to get you going." Well, after reading nothing but horror stories about pitocin, and the kind of contractions it induces, I was not very happy to hear that. Thankfully, my husband took this moment to step in. He asked, "What about that gel we learned about at our last appointment, the one that will help ripen the cervix. Can't Jessie have that instead?" Leslie considered for a moment, then decided to consult with the physician on call. He agreed with S that the gel may be used, and in fact, why not try the pill version of this gel, which is supposed to be milder, and may help get things going. "Great", I thought, "I just need a little push to get things going" (no pun intended).

I was a little concerned when Leslie brought me my pill of Cytotec (which, as it turns out, is a BAD, BAD DRUG, more on this later!). By this point, I had been moved to a private room, it was about midnight and you know how everything is different at night. I sat there, staring at the baby warming table, and all of a sudden, it hit me: I was about to have a baby. Somehow, sometime soon, I would be giving birth to my son.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I. Am. Not. Ready.

For. This.

Just so we're clear: I stole this idea

Top Ten, Summer 2010 Redux Edition

After reading my favorite blog which recently posted its summer top ten list, it seemed like a good format to share the highlights, and some of the low moments too. Silk, I hope you'll also share your summer edition.

1. We survived a trip to Italy with my in-laws. Yes, Italy was wonderful. It was amazing. The food was incredible. I want to live there. But not with my in-laws. 'Nuff said.

2. We honored Aunt Karen, in a beautiful service that she would have approved of, 100%. It was a small solace in the wake of her death, but still, it had a healing effect. I think about her and Aunt Helen almost every single day and hope that if there is something happening after this life, they are together. And then I think, how could they not be?

3. Baby K's sleep dramatically improved. I did not think this would happen. Around last September 20th or so, I came to the conclusion that I would never sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time, for the rest of my life. And this was a HORRIFYING thought, but I was so mired in the muck that is infancy, I refused to believe anything else. Slowly but surely, he's coming into his own. He's still not a great sleeper, but it has gotten better, and I'm starting to feel human again.

4. Baby K also successfully made his first long road trip! First flying 10 hours to another country, then driving 8 hours to what at times felt like another country (W. Va. Tam-a-rac, need I say more?)! Truly, it would not have been possible without my partner in crime, the ever patient and loving Aunt Sarah. And upon arriving at our destination, we had a great weekend visit with my cousins, including my own personal highlight, young O remarking on the "big fat lady" in the pool--unless, was he talking about me? because...

5. LISTEN UP EVERYONE: Unless you see a head emerging from a woman's vagina as she bears down with great effort, and sometimes even then, please refrain from sharing your observations about her stomach or asking about her pregnancy. Because she is probably NOT pregnant.

6. Moving on. This summer also marks the end of my year long maternity leave. And while I'm technically not returning to work, I will be at a school two days a week, as a counseling intern so that I might finally finish my master's. Just 600 direct service hours stand between me and my state license. YES! Bring it!

7. My favorite food find of the summer was Mitchell's Homemade Key Lime Ice Cream. I kid you not, it is the most delicious thing you can purchase in a pint size. I am pretty sure I consumed 5 or maybe 6 pints of it all by myself this summer (see #5). It is really good. I've decided to stop shopping at the local place that sells it, because I am unable to resist buying it every time I set food in the store.

8. Despite lack of sleep and sometimes, a lack of interest, several good books were read this summer. I'll be damned if I can remember a single title though. Just a few days ago, I brought home a book from the library and started reading it, made it to page 50 (!) before I realized I had read it before. Then realized I didn't really remember the story, so decided to re-read the book. Was not any better the second time around, and have promptly forgotten the plot anyway.

9. We embarked on one of my least-favorite tasks in life: car shopping. I despise the process of shopping for a new car. Maybe its because I really hate figuring out how much money we waste on cars. Maybe its because I hate dealing with schmoozy salespeople. Maybe its because my husband loves two things: a challenge and to bargain. Me being an introvert who avoids confrontation at all costs is not the ideal companion for this process. However, he insists that I join him on this search. So far we've visited only two dealerships, which stories are their own post, they are that good. Really.

10. And, to sum it all up, perhaps the most anticipated event of the summer has come to pass. At 11:30 a.m. on August 20 in a really big courtroom in downtown Cleveland, with a group of 40 other immigrants and their cheering, crying families, Taj took his oath of naturalization and became a citizen of the U.S. In addition to representation by the Daughters and Sons of the American Revolution, the proclamations by our State Senators, and the waxings on of the presiding judge, the Board of Elections very convienently provided voter registration forms so that all these new citizens can be eligible to take part in the November elections. Taj promptly signed up and then made a beeline to the post office to apply for his passport. I must admit, I got a little teary eyed myself as we watched all the new citizens pose for photos with the judge and their families. It was nice to see so many people excited to become Americans. Took some of the negativity out of my heart.

And that, my friends, is our Summer 2010 in a countdown. Bring on Fall!

Blogging while Baby Watching

Baby K is currently enjoying himself by emptying out every drawer and cabinet in our kitchen, thus providing me with some uninterrupted blogging time. Hard to believe that one year ago tomorrow, my in-laws got off the plane and invaded our home; Baby K was one month from arriving, we were enjoying a beautiful and relatively humidity-free summer, and I was blissfully unaware of the ugly side of infancy.

I'm working on a post to commemorate the birth and early days of Baby K, but as he turns 11 months old, I'm struck by the things I really didn't know. I truly didn't think he would sleep so little. In such spurts, as he is known to do. I didn't know how fast the time would go, even though some days felt like an eternity. The days are long, but the years are short, says my friend Jen. She had her second child a month after I had Kai, and I continue to marvel at how she was able to juggle a 2 year old and an infant. I was barely able to take care of Kai and myself!

Tonight will be the first time I do not put baby K to bed. I will be in an air-conditioned movie theatre with my friend Jill (wife of Phil, who I woke up this morning when I called their house around 8:30, and despite this he was freaking hilarious, as he always is); we are going to see Eat, Pray, Love. The husband will be in charge of bedtime and all its rituals. I am anticipating that Kai will either cry hysterically until I get home or until he passes out. Both thoughts fill me with dread, but I know we have to start making the break of bedtime and mom.

In other random news, we get a new washing machine today, to replace the one whose motor ran non-stop for about 6 hours yesterday, filled with water, almost flooding our basement, and making me think our house was haunted. Every time I had to open the lid, I expected some poltergeist to come wailing out. So we are all a little low on clean laundry, but hopefully the situation will be remedied soon.

Because of the insane heat and humidity, we have basically not left our house for the past 2 weeks, except for outings to the air conditioned mecca of target and dave's. Thus we have no encounters with toddling bruce, wacky library patrons, cooing hispanic grandma's or any other neighborhood folk to share. Although, grandma did take Baby K to the local splash park yesterday (same location as Aunt Helen's tree) where 3 young african-american girls positively gushed over Kai (according to grandma, they petted him, complimented his eye color and repeatedly said he was the cutest baby they had ever seen). Thus his fan club begins.

Tuesday--again

Since silk has taken up the slack the past few weeks, and baby k is napping, i thought i'd try to share some happenings and whatnot. however, i just realized it is in fact MONDAY, despite what i typed into the title box. oh well, it will probably be tuesday before i finish this and post it.

not anything going on in the o.c. i start a part-time gig next week, with the intent of getting my 600 hours of supervised counseling experience finished by may 2011 so i can get my p.c. license. basically, in ohio, you pay some random state agency several hundred dollars for the privilege of working as a counselor. now, if they provided some meaningful guidance or oversight, this might be okay. but, they do not. instead, they make you take an exam (at a cost of an additional $120), which you only need a 50% to pass, and then they remind you when you need to do more supervised hours. this is not, in my opinion, responsible, ethical, or comprehensive and yet, we are bound to the system. one giant f you, to the state of o.h. and my check is in the mail, please send me my provisional license so i may start my part time job.

it is, once again, hot and humid in n.e.ohio, so our air is chugging along, but our washing machine broke today. not what i wanted to spend $500 on right now, but it beats the alternatives. considering someone was recently shot and killed at the local laundromat, and i'm not interested in playing "pioneer days" by doing my own laundry, that is the price we will pay. in the meantime, baby k is wearing the same outfit as yesterday, but he doesn't mind.

well, he's still sleeping so what else...anyone hear from klassy? thought of her as i visited honey hut last week and sampled a chocolate malt...it was good. although, someone else recently suggested that i was pregnant, making this the second time in as many months that, despite having a 10 month old baby on or near me at ALL FUCKING TIMES, people assume that my small, almost non-existent belly must mean baby number 2. well, obviously they do not know that until i get at least one year of 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, there will be no baby #2. And on that note, baby #1 is now stirring, so let me sign off and try to write more l8tr.

It's Tuesday again

and I really feel we need to move these old posts on down the line, however I don't have a formed full post to share, so, some tidbits:
I observed an abortion today, as is required for my new job. It was a much quicker procedure than I realized, which is a good thing all around. I was told before hand that the most difficult part for an observer like myself is usually seeing the woman in pain or discomfort, which I would say was accurate.

I got totally lost on the east side this morning, it was fucked up, I hate map quest because they are such LIARS, and while the maps application on my phone helped and ultimately got me there, I kind of hate them too because I don't know at any given/time place which was is north, south, east or west. Assholes.

I have not been feeling very well - frankly, J.ho since the Texas BBQ, however I do not blame the BBQ, I seem to have some combo of a cold and a stomach bug - sweet. Hopefully done with that. As a result, I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday watching TV, which I have not done for ages and ages. I'm on a big without a trace kick, as I have never watched that show and can now DVR all the reruns, which is like 3 reruns a day.

P - diddy is presently at an 8 hour training on addressing racism through musical theater or something like that, which I can not even imagine what is going down with that. Would like to be a fly on the wall, tho. Probably fairly entertaining, especially since he is there along with every single employee of the theater.

Not much exciting, as you can see. Post something, J ho - you have Kai! Let's see some photos, or hear the latest on his tiger roar or perhaps his bowel movements.

Advice from a Tuesday

If you are at a point in your life where you may be considering things such as primal scream therapy, electroconvulsive therapy, going on a USPS style rampage or kicking someone's ass at random because you are just a -ragin' away at the stressors that abound, might I suggest an hour of cranial sacral therapy.

Holy. Shit.

I strolled into a room today, fully expecting some great relaxing bodywork, a release of tension from the problematic right side of my jaw, and perhaps some deeper insight into myself and my issues. What I ended up with was the most intense and effective therapy session I have ever experienced during which I cried like I have never before in my life - seriously, in all my life.

So. I'm glad I got that out.

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Go, now, and look through the Greatest Mel Gibson Gallery known to man on Celebslam.com, you can link to it via the Superficials posts from today. Read the captions and laugh and laugh and laugh as laughter is also most excellent therapy.

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There is NO reason not to eat ice cream every single day that it is above 90 degrees outside. OK, lactose intolerance is a totally good reason but get that Breyers lactose free vanilla and carry on. I'll be here with the mint chocolate chip.

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Make big purchases that are super useful. It's fun. Got me an air conditioner outdoor condensor unit and the snazzy pad upon which it will be perched when some nice man, hopefully in the next few days, hooks that shit up to the ducts of my house walls. (Related advice - should you build a house that mimics a greenhouse and also an oven of sunlight, A/C that bitch stat because you are going to need that in order to... survive, yes thats it. In order to continue breathing and moving about the world.

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Good night, Have a great Wednesday.

2 years

today could have royally sucked. For some asinine reason I thought that it would be a-ok to have it be my first day back to work after 10 days off (though I did need to you know, start generating a modest income again at some point sooner than later). I've been a little distracted, so did not give a lot of thought to today before it was here. I was a little worried, then, to find myself sad, being at a place that reminds me so much of my mom and aunt karen since they both spent so much time there. However, I made it through unscathed, no worse or sadder for ware. I worked on my clients, ate my dinner, chose the food for Karen's memorial service, got a nice card in my mailbox form someone I barely even know.

The main reasons today was ok : a phone call from my brother which left me with the visual of my mom rolling off of a couch then nearly peeing herself with laughter (something that came to me multiple times while working and made me laugh aloud), the fact that I got breakfast lunch and dinner to go in one stop at Gypsy (peanut butter cookie shout out) and the fact that I ended up with one client for tomorrow evening, who is awesome and a good friend and has sacrificed her massage to be rescheduled so that we may instead meet and drink martinis.

My intentions for the rest of the evening are to watch some television in order to avoid conscious thought/ processing of emotions and if my energy holds up, take a big ass night time downtown cleveland bike ride.

Great Escapes

Thursday was a hard day, emotionally. I came home, put the baby who screamed (for 45 minutes the entire way home, through his bath and pj's, and for a good 10 minutes in his crib) to bed, and went to my own bed. No dinner, because my husband decided to work late, and he had planned on cooking. He came home a little later, ready to be pissy at my poor attitude re: dinner, but successfully redirected his feelings once he heard about our day.

Part of what was so hard was something I remembered, very randomly, that day.

Approximately 2 years ago, I took a road trip with my two aunts. We piled into Aunt Helen's car and took off for DC, where my husband was attending a conference and my cousins now lived, and we were going to have a weekend together. En route we stopped at a rest stop and had a picnic lunch. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, great for driving. Aunt Karen sat in the back the entire trip, reading and snoozing, and chatting with us. They had recently returned from a trip to NYC together with our other aunt, and had a great time. One of the highlights for Aunt Helen was a picture she had snapped of Aunt Karen sleeping in their hotel room. Aunt Helen found this photo to be particularly hilarious, because Karen was propped up on a pillow, with a curler in her hair.

"Doesn't she look like she could be in a casket?" she said with a little glee. I laughed. She did.

We went on to drive through Breezewood and stopped at Starbucks and got ready for the final hour of driving. I snapped a picture of Aunt Helen behind the wheel, sunglasses on, singing along to something.

We ended up having a really good weekend, visits with family and friends, eating goat, and then of course, the car ride home, this time with my husband along. It was, by all accounts, a successful and fun trip.

Of course, I had no way of knowing what we would know just two years later. And when the memory of my car trip with my two aunts came back to me, on the heels of an already emotionally difficult day, I just kind of lost it. And needed to make an escape. So I called in reinforcements (husband--who has every other Friday afternoon off) and left for 2 and 1/2 hours of pure escape in the form of an air-conditioned movie theater and Sex and the City part 2. It was great!

Of course, just doing that brought up another slew of memories, because I watched the first SATC movie with Aunt Helen, our neighbor Katrina, and one of the RR board members. A theater full of women, with the requisite two gay men, and Aunt Helen's comments throughout the movie made it hilarious. So yesterday's escape from reality allowed me to remember one of my aunts in a fun way, with the luxury of being alone and not responsible for anyone but myself for a few hours. That, in and of itself, was the true gift. And gives me some strength to face what the coming weeks will surely bring.

Random May Musings

Unfortunately, there really has not been much to blog about, here at the blogalicious. Sure, there have been some funny random encounters w/ Toddling Bruce (including one where I walked up with the baby and he whipped out a camping chair from his trunk and encouraged us to sit and visit on his 'plot' of land).

There has been the requisite family drama, complete with the "emergency" medical needs of a family member who, in my opinion and diagnosis, always needs to have the attention of his spouse and when her attention is diverted, he manifests something to bring it back. There's some psycho-babble and universe-messaging for you.

There is also the anxiety producing trip to the Old Country coming up. If we survive the plane ride, I'm sure we'll be able to survive 10 days in Italy; at least, that is what I'm telling myself. I feel like I've just gotten the baby in a good schedule, he naps regularly, he's happy and content, things are going well. So I'm sure this trip will completely fuck things up. And we'll never find this happy little routine again. Which if you know anything about me, you know that I love my routines.

Today we were up very early, so we took an early walk through the neighborhood. Its my favorite time of day to walk, apart from being tired, as it allows me to gaze at the gardens and homes of others and daydream about our next step in life. We're spending the rest of the day running errands (hello, Target, we're here for our daily visit) and then probably a low key evening at home...my favorite kind.

So you see, not too much going on. These are some of the long days (at time very lonely) of being a mom. My next door neighbor had to return to work yesterday, after six months of maternity leave, and I feel so bad for her. Because honestly, the one thing that would really, really suck would be to have to go work all day and then come home to take care of the baby. It would just be exhausting.

On that happy note (ha!) peace out fellow bloggers!

Guess Whose Coming To Spend The Weekend...a.k.a. Under Pressure

On Monday, Taj had a surprise for me. He was very excited about it. "I have something to tell you," he teased over the phone, "and you'll have to wait until I get home to find out what!" Well, I could guess what it wouldn't be: the chance to sleep in, just once, in the next 5 months or so; a beach vacation in the next 3 months or so; a limitless supply of ice cream that wouldn't make me fat, etc. I digress. And I must admit, I wasn't too excited about it, because I had the sneaking suspicion it involved a houseguest. I do not live in a house that avails itself to guests. I also do not maintain a standard of cleanliness or neatness that makes me feel comfortable having guests (especially when those guests come from a different country where servants are the norm for a particular socio-economic group. but now, i'm giving too much away). Anyway, the biggest reason I don't really care for guests at this point is because my beautiful baby gets up very early and requires attention and so forth, and I do not like or have the energy or desire to do anything other than tend to his needs and stay in my pajamas until at least 10:00 a.m. Its the best I can do knowing that I won't get to sleep past 6:30 a.m. until at least September 14, 2010. But whose counting?
On with my story. Husband comes home and shares his surprise: a visitor from India who happens to be a very good friend of husband from high school, they have remained close ever since. This friend is very kind, nice, polite, and fun. He is interesting, he has a lovely wife and a sweet daughter. He is also a millionaire who lives in a mansion outside of Hyderabad and has more servants than I have immediate family. The few times I've visited his house I've been in awe. It literally sparkles. And shines. And glows. And, of course, is immaculate.
I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. My anxiety kicks into high gear. First of all, H's wife probably doesn't even own sweat pants, much less lounges in them late into the morning. Not to mention, our house is (to put it mildly and nicely) cluttered. And dusty. And our guest bedroom is in our basement. With more clutter. And the washer and dryer. I could go on.
What to do? Well, I've made some attempts at cleaning and organizing, but really there is only so much space to work with. And knowing my husband, he'll go into a fury of his own tonight, shoving stuff into closets and drawers, to give the appearance of neatness. And he'll have an attitude about it, which he normally does not. So on to the real point of my post today. The real reason I have anxiety about H's visit (and one of the reason's I dread the visits of my in-laws) is because I feel that when these people come, I have to somehow prove myself to them, that I am a good enough wife for my husband (who is adored by all of these people). That even though I'm not Indian, I am acceptable, and even though we were not matched together through some archane parental-controlled scheme, we are a good pair, we have a good marriage, and I am a good wife. Never mind that my husband picked me! Never mind that he is very happy in our life together! (Really, he is. He tells me. Repeatedly. There is a reason, he says, that he lives here and not there. There are many reasons, actually.) Nonetheless, I feel threatened by the perceived judgement from these people (and not so perceived. There is also the judgement expressed by his family. For example, his father told me that everyone in India thinks I am wonderful; in so many ways I am just like a good Indian wife (I'm paraphrasing here, obviously) with one exception--I don't speak their language. If I only made an effort to speak telugu, I would be perfect. I was 9 months pregnant when he told me this. In August. When they had moved in for 2 months. Uninvited. Again, I digress).
I feel the need to convince everyone in my husband's Indian world that I am not just a good wife, or mother, or person, but the right person, the best wife, the best person. And why? Its exhausting. And probably unnecessary.
As far as his friends are concerned, that is my husband's burden. This is his house too, and if he is concerned with their judgement, well, he probably isn't. Because he wouldn't be friends with them if he did. And, this is how we live. There are no servants in America. There are cleaning people, but they cost money, and they come once every 6-8 weeks. That's how it goes. At least for us.
Regarding his family, well, I have a feeling that no matter what I do or try, it really never will be enough, because no matter who their son married, or how they met, or how they live, none of it can overcome the stereotype they choose to accept for in-law relationships. And they have decided to buy into the typical relationship portrayed in every bollywood film, that the parents-in-law and the daughter-in-law will never get along and will never really have a good relationship, because it just isn't possible. Plus, the son always sides with his wife (if only they knew!! I mean, they did come live in my house for 2 months at a very inconvienent time. not my preference, for sure.), and because they believe this dynamic to be the rule, I can never win.
On that note, there is (as always) more to say. But I have to go kiss my baby and take him for a walk, and finish puttering around the house as we wait for the arrival of H.

I've developed a wicked crush on Jon Hamm

I had to tell someone.

Tuesday

I had a thought @ some point over the weekend to compile a post of a few of the best stories/memories I have involving me and getting really high. Inappropriate? Let me know. This is stemming from reminiscence of the day that my ride to school had with her a quarter ounce of high quality green stuff, which she decided we should eat (all of it) before we entered school that morning. (one of the)Best day(s) of my SJA career.

You can not raise Kai in Nashville. He'll be stifled, not to mention forever changed by the country music scene. I know Klassy is there, but just visit her. Tampa I don't even have to argue, do I?

I'm gradually starting to exercise @ home. My set up is on the 2nd floor and involves 2 yoga mats, a jump rope (love it), yoga ball free weights and a stretch band. If i don't lose some fucking weight, and soon, I am going to - well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but it could be ugly, I know that.

I am taking this review class for the Ohio exam in June - saturday mornings is the class, and the guy teaching it is one of the best teachers I have ever had across my educational experiences. He gave us DVDs to help learn the muscles of the body, I started one the other night. He names the muscle, where it originates and inserts, then he draws that muscle with a marker on a model. Naturally, he starts with the glutes, so I start this DVD and there is some person, their head cut off by the camera angle, in a thong, and he proceeds to draw the muscles on at a time on this persons ass. Hilarious. Honestly, though, a good example of this mans teaching genius. He really knows how to break things down and explain them. Not to mention I will never forget the image of him drawing on an ass, therefor can picture the glutes, clear as day.

I have decided to lay off on pleasure reading for a bit to focus on massage stuff. I was reading some stuff by Studs Terkl (Hard Times, about the Depression which to no ones surprise could have been written over the past 2 years or so - oh, circle of life). I worked myself into a frenzied overload of nutritional input by delving into the Abs diet, then Anti Cancer, then Healing with Whole Foods, Jesus Fucking Christ, could science just give me the pills to take to meet the ideal nutritional needs to lose weight avoid cancer and be the picture of health? Please? Is it too much to ask? Come on bitches, it's 2010. --Anyway, no fat dairy? full fat dairy? eliminate dairy? (no, to that last one) Peanut butter? almond butter? Avoid tahini(!!) and replace with SESAME BUTTER!? I am not Asian, Paul Pitchford. I am so NOT Asian.

So, I'm just going to try to cook or have Perren cook more whole grains and legumes. Thats all I got (eying the empty plastic cup on the table that once contained an iced mocha, however, it was 2/3 toddy, I do what I can, Thank you) - which reminds me , we will have Internet and cable and DVR @ home on Friday - can you believe it. It's with Time Warner so it better not suck balls. A guy Perren knows ( he lives by you JHM and he was on Jeopardy recently and won) just settled a class action law suit against AT&T who settled for over 3 million because he investigated and revealed that he and his neighbors were paying for high speed DSL and ATT was capping their service so that they were not accessing the speed of bandwith that they were paying for. I am quite certain that P and I were experiencing this on W 30th St. b/c the shit was sooooooo slow and the router/modem were right next to the computers. Sneaky bitches better not fuck with it this time around, or they're going down.

I am off to take dogs to park and proceed with day.

Random Notes

Sitting in yoga class last night, for the first time in more than a month, I let my mind wander (it is sooooooo hard for me to pay attention during yoga class), through many topics and places... the class was small, perhaps because of the concurrent cavs game? I always like it when the classes are smaller. I get annoyed when there are more than 3 or 4 other people there. Last night, there were 7 of us, and the sun moved in to the room beautifully as it began to set, highlighting the one empty spot in the middle, and I couldn't help but think of Aunt Karen, who usually also attends this class, but who was also absent yesterday. It was a sad and beautiful moment, all in one.

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Baby Taj scooted forward today in what could have been a crawl, in his furious attempt to grab a book, which he just wanted to put into his mouth. I'm pretty sure he's teething, because he is in a near constant state of annoyance and agitation, shoving everything into his mouth with a ferocity that is astonishing. Whip out the baby motrin, get out the frozen fruit and teething rings, and start mental preparations for the first bite.

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So, the person I want to "de-friend" is someone whose parenting styles are VERY different, and thus incompatible with mine; in addition, she does not have good boundaries and she tries to make plans with us A LOT. She is annoying and is not undeterred by unanswered phone calls or ignored emails. I find myself caving to getting together, because it is easier, and because I have not yet worked up the courage to just say NO. So, I probably will have to move to ditch her. Maybe not far, but definitely without telling her.

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On the topic of moving, taj told me recently that we will almost certainly have to move in the next two years, to allow his career to develop and grow, and whatnot. Location: who the heck knows. Anywhere he finds a suitable position, I guess. The one position he has already been recruited for has offices in Nashville or Tampa. I'm not impressed.

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More random musings later!

Keep 'em coming

Strong work, Silk, on the gypsy blog post. Yes, the spinning is at Fit. Let's do it.

Have been having some very. serious. discussions. lately w/ the spouse. having a baby is stressful, yo! but that cutie is sitting right here, next to me, going crazy with a pillow and a toy...he is pure happiness. almost time for some cereal and beets. maybe some daal. we're going crazy indian on his food training.

so, a question. this may be better suited for an email, but since there are only a few readers of the blog...when you are in a serious, committed relationship (call it marriage, call it whatever, but you are in it for the long haul), what do you do when one of you changes their mind about a not-so-insignificant decision and the other one will not budge or compromise on the decision? does this question make sense? if yes, please give me your advice. i need it.

in other news, baby taj is rolling all over the place and i swear to god he did a mini crawl yesterday. i am so not ready for him to be mobile. he visited his cousin scotch yesterday and was so completely entranced and excited by this encounter, we may have to get a dog. the things i will do for this baby.

well, off to clean up before friend #1 stops by for a (hopefully) quick visit--reminds me of an upcoming blog post and poll for our readers: how do you stop being friends with someone?

later today we have some baking and then friend #2 is coming over for dinner. she will be bringing her baby, who is exactly 2 months younger, yet 2 pounds and 1 inch bigger, than baby taj. he's a cutie, though. makes me laugh when people tell me that i have a big baby (which they do, a lot). i just think to myself, well, you should see this other baby! he's ginormous!

peace out bloggers. don't forget to give me your feedback and marital advice.

New posts - double down!

I am at Gypsy with latte and internet, and it is a rainy day to boot. Excellent. I truly respect how Moms go to battle (passively or aggressively) like no other. It certainly makes sense, maternal instinct and all. I have a theory about the McMahon sisters as new Moms : perhaps they were lucky or perhaps the universe provided because there is no way in hell either of them would be up all night with a baby with any sort of regularity. They just wouldn't, which relates to my other point that I think their husbands did an awful lot in those early weeks, more so than most, because they had to. I digress.

Just noticed this lawyer guy, I think a Cleveland Public defender who is in here all the time seriously engrossed in playing bejeweled blitz.

Is the spinning at Fit?

Went on my first bike ride of the season last night, it was sooooo nice out. I got kind of annoyed because we biked from our house to west 76th and everyone started hanging out there drinking beers, and therefor not bike riding. I tooled around and took a battery park bike tour - crazy! There are TONS of suburban like condo residencies back there, blocks and blocks of them. I had no idea. We then headed over to the Parkview where I think they are serving the best fries around, FYI. I really like taking to the streets on my bike with a big group of people, but maybe not so much a big group of drunk people focused on bar hopping.

I finally secured Mad Men season 1 disc 2 DVD to discover that the disc 1 blu ray contains all of those episodes except the very last one. Christ. It was not that great of an episode, but we noted that my new pajama pants from old navy matched the pajamas of don draper.

Listening to the monsoon style rain on the skylights and steel exterior of the house, highlighted by the honking/beeping of the shipping receiving intake vehicle of Voss Industries this morning, I contemplated the fact that I am fully prepared to go live on a 5 acre farm. Outside of C'ville, I think. Lets keep that between us. I mean, there is no way I am moving anywhere for a while, too tired. Don't want anyone to think I am not enthusiastic about the cool house in which I now get to reside but I kind of wish we could pick it up and move it elsewhere. It's kind of loud. And there are lots of other people living very very near by. I see them every time I exit my front door. Could do without.

I wrote the previous like 4 days ago and then the gypsy lost power and after 10 minutes or so it had not come back on, so I rolled out. Now I am back on this lovely Monday evening. downloading this weeks episode of breaking bad and perusing the blogs and all.

Yesterday was like the weirdest day ever. We began the day with me really pissed at Perren for being a big ass, I even declined COFFEE in order to not accompany him on the coffee run, went about my morning, went to the market cafe for breakfast (by myself) , reconciled shortly thereafter and proceeded to the baby shower we were invited to. We left the shower to go home and prepare for the friends we had invited over, we basically had a raw bar spread of oysters, clams and shrimp, an impressive cheese and crackers selection, a bottle of champagne, etc. Perren went NUTS cleaning the first floor and plating all the food like an Iron Chef. Then our friends cancelled due to the fact that they "got to talking about some stuff we really needed to talk about and it's pretty emotional" Whaaaaaaaa?

So, we called Alexis over and tore. some. shellfish. up.

It was freaking delish!

Right now I am sitting next to a couple of crackers on their first date, and I really must bounce. Plus my left contact has been crap all day, can't see shit out of my left eye. More later.

Excellent bloggage on make it stop! We of the blogalish are planning a c'ville visit in July, because we cant swing the nations capital in the next 4 weeks.