Dreams

I had a very, very, vivid dream last night. It involved an ex-boyfriend of mine, one who I dated for several periods of time, interspersed with long periods of not seeing or talking to each other. We first met in high school, had our second go around in college, and had our third and fourth (and final) encounters in our 20s.

While overall the relationship was good, it ended very badly. Really, it was awful. There was your typical drama: a screaming phone call (which, ironically, was him screaming and not me--surprised, aren't you?), harsh words, things spoken that can not ever be taken back. It was one of the true confrontations I've had in my life (I avoid confrontation--at all costs--some day I'll tell you how I broke up with another long-term boyfriend, or rather, never seemed to break up with him...).

Anyway, about a month after this big blow out, I met the man who would become my husband, and life moved on. I've thought about the ex every now and then, and about the good things, but always remembering that truly ugly phone call. He even emailed me about a year after it happened, very close to my wedding date, and apologized for how things went, and said he hoped that life was treating me well, etc. I never replied.

So, it was a little unnerving to have this dream about him. We were both running, in opposite directions, down my old street, and when he saw me, he stopped and pointed, and somehow we ended up talking somewhere, for a very long time, about our relationship. It was so vivid, that when I woke up, it took awhile for me to realize that this had not actually happened.

I spent the next day in a state of I don't know what, but agitated/confused/conflicted were all part of it. I searched for him on-line (ok, seriously, what did I do before facebook and linkedin and google?), and found out quite a bit of information, and started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't email him and apologize for my own role in our harsh end. I feel bad about never responding to his email.

However, I don't think I will do this. One of the "rules of thumb" I use to gauge whether a behavior or action is acceptable is how I would feel if my spouse/friend/whomever would do it to me. And I feel uncomfortable enough with contacting an ex-boyfriend, and with the thought of my husband contacting an ex-girlfriend, to not send off an email.

But I'm curious what others think. Is it okay to be in touch with former significant others? Are there levels of contact that make some of it okay, some of it not? For me, part of what makes me feel so uncomfortable is that there was so much good in our relationship. This was a person that I did think about marrying, at some point, even though some important things of our relationship were not right. Can a person truly be friends with someone with whom they once shared a close, intimate relationship?