Yoga Thoughts

I started going back to yoga a week ago, this time with a new teacher.
This past Sunday, she spoke of something in our class, that really struck a chord with me.

I should begin by saying there was a girl in the class who was new. She had never taken yoga before, and seemed a little nervous. I know her; we went to high school and graduated together. She was always very quiet and we were not really friends, though I would say we were friendly with each other. Mostly, I remember her being very, very nice and quiet.

I didn't say anything to her before class started, telling myself that she wouldn't recognize me. Who knows if she did or not (there were only 7 of us in the class--not easy to be anonymous). Mostly, I hate running into people from my past and making connections with them. Something to do with my thinking about being in "right relationship" with people and how I continually fail at this, and not wanting to really deal with it. Basically, I think its important to be in right relationship with people, but when it comes down to it, I'm kind of a bad friend. I genuinely like and enjoy people, but I'm poor at communicating with them and following through, and those things that make one a good friend. I struggle with this a lot.

So, there she was in yoga, trying to figure it all out. Our teacher is great, though, very supportive and clear and offers good insight as we practice together. During class, she spoke of letting go of our need to compete with others. I think this comment was directed at the girl I know, as she was trying so hard to do the moves right and was observing those around her more than focusing on her own practice (I think). I digress. What mattered to me about the comments was that:

1. I have always thought of myself as being very non-competitive. Truly: I don't like competitive sports, I like to play games, but doesn't matter if I win (mostly), etc.
and then it hit me:

2. I am actually, very competitive, with most people, and that is why I've done so many of the things in my life I'm not very proud of. I've spent most of my life thinking that who I am is not good enough; for a variety of reasons, and only in the last year or so have I become truly comfortable with who and where I am in this life.

3. I do have a desire to win and to be better than others--not always, and not in all things, but this has manifest itself in some odd ways. Like, my suffering is worse than yours. Or my knowledge is greater than yours. Or my marriage, my job, my commute, my cooking skills...but I can't say that my friendships are greater. Because mostly, they are not. And the truth is, nothing about me is greater or less than anyone else. Because, as I thought in yoga, all of these things are just me, who I am and where I am, and they change a lot. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they are less than ideal, but mostly they work for me. And I don't have to compare them with anyone or anything. Because that is not the point.

Now if only all these musings and reflections carry through the rest of the year as I work on letting go of anxiety and worry (something else brought up during yoga, but for a different blog post to be sure). But I'm glad for the insight. I don't think any of these thoughts would really have come to me without having Kai. For me, the perspective of being a mom has really changed how I think about a lot of things. Including, and maybe most importantly, myself.